IT WAS STARTING TO AFFECT ME

Two years had passed since he and I started talking. We celebrated his first birthday as us being a couple. He loves the Dallas Cowbows and gave me a Cowboy jersey in 2008 as a gift when he and I went to see Anita Baker in concert in Portsmouth, VA. And just before he moved here to Georgia to spend the rest of his life with me, I did the unspeakable. It was so far out of my character that still I can't even believe it. I broke up with him. He didn't do anything wrong. This thing called doubt and fear crept in. Was he really the right man? I mean forever is just that.... forever.

While we were in Portsmouth we had some beautiful bonding time. And he was just so sweet to me. We went out to dinner together and he showed me around his town. It felt so so very right. Then why did I break it off? (when I think about how much I'm loving you.....no limitations, no set of regimented rules. I'm amazed at how much this love has touched my life. It's a commitment that we share, It's a welcome sacrifice).

The last image I have of him and me being together was at the airport. He came inside in spite of the rules that clearly stated not to leave your car parked or it would be towed away. I was so concerned about his car and kept insisting I would be alright and he should go. He pulled me to him and said softly, "It's just a car. I need to make sure my baby is alright" As I walked through the terminal I looked back and he was still standing there. He was smiling....tall, dark.....wonderful. Then I looked into his eyes and the look of love that I saw there was incredible. At that moment it was engraved in the deepest part of my memory. I'll never forget it. I boarded the plane and that was the last time I saw him. I'm not one to handle long distance relationships well, nor am or was I one to successfully WAIT for anything. Waiting is just NOT my bowl of ice cream. ( you know the baby ruth ice cream that you can only find at Krogers. With the caramel and nuts in it and it's just ummmmmm cool.)

Life happened and the next thing I know, I had slipped a letter to him, coward that I was, in the mail letting him know that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with him. Doubt and unbelief is a true destroyer. Then he called me when he got the letter and let me know, gently, that he would be alright. I wished him well (fool that I was) hung up the phone, then I cried. All I could think of was that look of love deep in his eyes.(The look of love is in your eyes, the look your smile can't disguise. The look of love is saying so much more than words can ever say. And what my heart has heard it takes my breath away....)

I dated a few guys after that. And my thoughts just kept going back to him. The way when he stood he just towered over me. How it felt when he touched me. How he smelled when he held me....real tight. And his eyes. The memory of his eyes was so strong I told a girl friend that...."I could feel his eyes so strongly in the back of my head and it was so powerful that I could look out of my eyes and see deeply into his. I dated this one man and he was wonderful to me. The perfect gentleman, inspite of his quiet coaxing that perhaps we could do.....more. It was on our last date. He took me out to dinner.....I sat across from him smiling and enjoying his conversation when.....all of a sudden.....my heart spoke......very loudly.....VERY Loudly! It wasn't him. It wasn't the one my soul delighted in. And that was the last time I saw him. After that, my sleep began to just be so messed up it was almost pointless even going to bed at night. (when I'm all alone and I hear your voice, no other man can make me feel the way you do. I can't describe this feeling inside...I can't sleep at night) .

I began to become cranky and my answers were getting shorter and shorter. Then my heart began to hurt. I spoke to some of my friends here on the site about the gentleman that I was dating. They were so excited for me and I truly did hope that it worked out. But "he" kept coming back to me. In my dreams, in my thoughts....in my heart. (got this fever,.....I'm sick baby........ I'm on fire.....fire burns....)

The mistake that I made was almost becoming unbearable. (I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you. Well it may come as a surprise.....but the loneliness has opened my)

When I was on the phone with Lexi last night she was calling to answer an email that I sent her. She kept insisting that I call him. Not being one to handle rejection well, at least not from someone I actually care about, I could not find the courage to call him. Not after what I did to him. The pain in my heart now reached a state of agony. (from one to ten, what is the worse pain?.......20) I explained to Lexi that I couldn't stop thinking about him. For some reason "Mystery" began to follow me. I got up Friday morning and it was playing. I sat down at my computer and really began to listen to the words. out for ano(Turning back the hands of time. Holding on to misty memories. chasing shadows through the night. Trying to find my happy ending. Reaching out for another chance at heaven. We could still find a way if we try......if we try......if we try)

Call him" she insisted. I didn't call him. I couldn't....(coward that I am)....even pick up the phone. I had to go take care of some business. I popped in a cd.....mystery played. I had made some CD's just for my car and loaded many versions of Anita's concerts and other performances. With each CD that I loaded....mystery lead the way. It was everywhere. When I got home and entered my room it was playing on my itunes. Was this a sign?

I spent time in prayer and repented to God for being just so stupid that I couldn't even believe it. Then I went to the computer and pulled up his email address. I told him how much I missed him in as few words as possible then sent him "Mystery" live in London and then I waited.When I spoke to Lexi last night I told her about my......email. She continued to encourage me and told me that because it was my fault I needed to try harder to reach him and make things right.

I could see his face as she and I spoke. The pain in my heart was beginning to leave a hollow spot. In my minds eye I could even begin to see the hole...I could see right through to the outside of my body. We said our good nights, she and I, and I rolled over....and over.....and over all night long reaching out for a decent evening of sleep or even rest. It never came.This morning I drug my body out of my nest and began getting the house in order to face another day. I got the children up..however reluctantly and we were off.

I had to get Cree's tickets in the mail...I had missed the Friday shipment so it was very important that I didn't miss today. I hurried to the post office then back home. I pulled up my email to send her a message when my instant messenger popped up with an offline message. It had gone through the night before. Actually it was sent at midnight as I tossed in my nest unable to rest. It was from him and he had received my email. My heart began to flood with emotions. He said he was still single. He said he missed me. Holding me. Kissing me. He missed me. Then he asked me to call him. And he said, "please" (been so long....I'm missing you baby. Been so long...I'm missing my baby) I called him immediately....well actually a little faster than that. And we spoke. It was magical. We even agreed to put things behind us and start, not over fresh, but to pick up where we left off, but do it right this time. (I'm in need of comfort, the comfort of your hands in mine) It's good to have him back. We were apart for about a year and his birthday is coming up again. Come rain or shine.....I'm gonna get it right this time).Am I happy?.....
Dag Gone Skippy.