Two years had passed since he and I started talking. We celebrated his first birthday as us being a couple. He loves the Dallas Cowbows and gave me a Cowboy jersey in 2008 as a gift when he and I went to see Anita Baker in concert in Portsmouth, VA. And just before he moved here to Georgia to spend the rest of his life with me, I did the unspeakable. It was so far out of my character that still I can't even believe it. I broke up with him. He didn't do anything wrong. This thing called doubt and fear crept in. Was he really the right man? I mean forever is just that.... forever.
While we were in Portsmouth we had some beautiful bonding time. And he was just so sweet to me. We went out to dinner together and he showed me around his town. It felt so so very right. Then why did I break it off? (when I think about how much I'm loving you.....no limitations, no set of regimented rules. I'm amazed at how much this love has touched my life. It's a commitment that we share, It's a welcome sacrifice).
The last image I have of him and me being together was at the airport. He came inside in spite of the rules that clearly stated not to leave your car parked or it would be towed away. I was so concerned about his car and kept insisting I would be alright and he should go. He pulled me to him and said softly, "It's just a car. I need to make sure my baby is alright" As I walked through the terminal I looked back and he was still standing there. He was smiling....tall, dark.....wonderful. Then I looked into his eyes and the look of love that I saw there was incredible. At that moment it was engraved in the deepest part of my memory. I'll never forget it. I boarded the plane and that was the last time I saw him. I'm not one to handle long distance relationships well, nor am or was I one to successfully WAIT for anything. Waiting is just NOT my bowl of ice cream. ( you know the baby ruth ice cream that you can only find at Krogers. With the caramel and nuts in it and it's just ummmmmm cool.)
Life happened and the next thing I know, I had slipped a letter to him, coward that I was, in the mail letting him know that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with him. Doubt and unbelief is a true destroyer. Then he called me when he got the letter and let me know, gently, that he would be alright. I wished him well (fool that I was) hung up the phone, then I cried. All I could think of was that look of love deep in his eyes.(The look of love is in your eyes, the look your smile can't disguise. The look of love is saying so much more than words can ever say. And what my heart has heard it takes my breath away....)
I dated a few guys after that. And my thoughts just kept going back to him. The way when he stood he just towered over me. How it felt when he touched me. How he smelled when he held me....real tight. And his eyes. The memory of his eyes was so strong I told a girl friend that...."I could feel his eyes so strongly in the back of my head and it was so powerful that I could look out of my eyes and see deeply into his. I dated this one man and he was wonderful to me. The perfect gentleman, inspite of his quiet coaxing that perhaps we could do.....more. It was on our last date. He took me out to dinner.....I sat across from him smiling and enjoying his conversation when.....all of a sudden.....my heart spoke......very loudly.....VERY Loudly! It wasn't him. It wasn't the one my soul delighted in. And that was the last time I saw him. After that, my sleep began to just be so messed up it was almost pointless even going to bed at night. (when I'm all alone and I hear your voice, no other man can make me feel the way you do. I can't describe this feeling inside...I can't sleep at night) .
I began to become cranky and my answers were getting shorter and shorter. Then my heart began to hurt. I spoke to some of my friends here on the site about the gentleman that I was dating. They were so excited for me and I truly did hope that it worked out. But "he" kept coming back to me. In my dreams, in my thoughts....in my heart. (got this fever,.....I'm sick baby........ I'm on fire.....fire burns....)
The mistake that I made was almost becoming unbearable. (I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you. Well it may come as a surprise.....but the loneliness has opened my)
When I was on the phone with Lexi last night she was calling to answer an email that I sent her. She kept insisting that I call him. Not being one to handle rejection well, at least not from someone I actually care about, I could not find the courage to call him. Not after what I did to him. The pain in my heart now reached a state of agony. (from one to ten, what is the worse pain?.......20) I explained to Lexi that I couldn't stop thinking about him. For some reason "Mystery" began to follow me. I got up Friday morning and it was playing. I sat down at my computer and really began to listen to the words. out for ano(Turning back the hands of time. Holding on to misty memories. chasing shadows through the night. Trying to find my happy ending. Reaching out for another chance at heaven. We could still find a way if we try......if we try......if we try)
Call him" she insisted. I didn't call him. I couldn't....(coward that I am)....even pick up the phone. I had to go take care of some business. I popped in a cd.....mystery played. I had made some CD's just for my car and loaded many versions of Anita's concerts and other performances. With each CD that I loaded....mystery lead the way. It was everywhere. When I got home and entered my room it was playing on my itunes. Was this a sign?
I spent time in prayer and repented to God for being just so stupid that I couldn't even believe it. Then I went to the computer and pulled up his email address. I told him how much I missed him in as few words as possible then sent him "Mystery" live in London and then I waited.When I spoke to Lexi last night I told her about my......email. She continued to encourage me and told me that because it was my fault I needed to try harder to reach him and make things right.
I could see his face as she and I spoke. The pain in my heart was beginning to leave a hollow spot. In my minds eye I could even begin to see the hole...I could see right through to the outside of my body. We said our good nights, she and I, and I rolled over....and over.....and over all night long reaching out for a decent evening of sleep or even rest. It never came.This morning I drug my body out of my nest and began getting the house in order to face another day. I got the children up..however reluctantly and we were off.
I had to get Cree's tickets in the mail...I had missed the Friday shipment so it was very important that I didn't miss today. I hurried to the post office then back home. I pulled up my email to send her a message when my instant messenger popped up with an offline message. It had gone through the night before. Actually it was sent at midnight as I tossed in my nest unable to rest. It was from him and he had received my email. My heart began to flood with emotions. He said he was still single. He said he missed me. Holding me. Kissing me. He missed me. Then he asked me to call him. And he said, "please" (been so long....I'm missing you baby. Been so long...I'm missing my baby) I called him immediately....well actually a little faster than that. And we spoke. It was magical. We even agreed to put things behind us and start, not over fresh, but to pick up where we left off, but do it right this time. (I'm in need of comfort, the comfort of your hands in mine) It's good to have him back. We were apart for about a year and his birthday is coming up again. Come rain or shine.....I'm gonna get it right this time).Am I happy?.....
Dag Gone Skippy.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Just A Thought
It's Tuesday early evening. I spent a good part of the morning chatting on line with my new friend, and on line family member Eunice Hicks. Somehow our conversation drifted into the affairs of the heart. I shared with her, open heartedly, about my failed marriages and relationships. It becomes a bit confusing sometimes when I hear from my friends just how wonderful a person I am...yet my relationships continue to fail. (At times I feel much like Peter at the Last Supper when he leaned over and softly asked Jesus....."Is it me Lord?")I'm a dreamer (and that's a very good thing) and sometimes I would much rather not separate the real from dreams, but surely, being that we don't believe in Fairy tales....certainly we would (or should) prefer the real thing. To hear Coke tell it, there's nothing like it....(the real thing) Hummmm someone else said that too.Ain't nothin' like the real thang....ba-by. Ain't nothing like the real...thang.
When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me. Excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul. Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good.I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do.So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....and it is.....what it is.
Peace and Love Rest Upon Us,
San
When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me. Excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul. Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good.I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do.So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....and it is.....what it is.
Peace and Love Rest Upon Us,
San
COULD YOU TRY?
I long to see you, to touch you and feel you close to me.
You’re so far away sometimes it seems this love shall never be.
When the sun climbs high in the morning, and in the evening
it swings low.
I’m still alone without you, it’s like your touch I’ll never know.
What ever it takes, please understand...if it’s truly in Gods’ plan
I...to be your woman.....You....to be my man
let us never say, "good-bye" Baby,
Could you try?
The monies may not be the way you desire them to be in place.
If you walk by sight and not by faith, I may never see your face.
My arms are empty and they should not be that way
Can you fill my arms and fill my heart, then baby can you stay?
Can you stay with me forever and can we maybe fall in love?
Can you be the one that I have long, so long been dreaming of?
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....Sweetheart,
could you try?
Time is passing swiftly and the seasons come and go.
My love is waiting for a man that it doesn’t even know.
Like the grapes on a vine my love grows riper with each year
and sweeter as the days go by just wishing he were here.
I reach out....touch nothing....feeling nothing......yet I see,
someday, somewhere, somehow.....somebody loving me.
My soul is aching for a mate to fill my empty nest.
When soul is joined to soul all essence will be blessed.
Then intimacy, then ecstacy, then ecstacy with intimacy
together sharing the load (somebody loves you baby)
coming gently and sweetly together, will inevitable explode.
I’ll then reach out....touching him, ....feeling him.......
my love will never let him go. (somebody loves you ba-by)
I’m wondering if he is you, or if I’ll ever know.
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....my Darling,
could you try?
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) Sept. 30, 2007 10:46 A.M.
This, as most of the poems is personal. This is one that hasn’t really been tested except for on the person it was sent to. The story behind this poem is I met a wonderful person online and right now to date, we have never met but we talk on the phone and we are having a beautiful mental romantic love affair.
You’re so far away sometimes it seems this love shall never be.
When the sun climbs high in the morning, and in the evening
it swings low.
I’m still alone without you, it’s like your touch I’ll never know.
What ever it takes, please understand...if it’s truly in Gods’ plan
I...to be your woman.....You....to be my man
let us never say, "good-bye" Baby,
Could you try?
The monies may not be the way you desire them to be in place.
If you walk by sight and not by faith, I may never see your face.
My arms are empty and they should not be that way
Can you fill my arms and fill my heart, then baby can you stay?
Can you stay with me forever and can we maybe fall in love?
Can you be the one that I have long, so long been dreaming of?
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....Sweetheart,
could you try?
Time is passing swiftly and the seasons come and go.
My love is waiting for a man that it doesn’t even know.
Like the grapes on a vine my love grows riper with each year
and sweeter as the days go by just wishing he were here.
I reach out....touch nothing....feeling nothing......yet I see,
someday, somewhere, somehow.....somebody loving me.
My soul is aching for a mate to fill my empty nest.
When soul is joined to soul all essence will be blessed.
Then intimacy, then ecstacy, then ecstacy with intimacy
together sharing the load (somebody loves you baby)
coming gently and sweetly together, will inevitable explode.
I’ll then reach out....touching him, ....feeling him.......
my love will never let him go. (somebody loves you ba-by)
I’m wondering if he is you, or if I’ll ever know.
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....my Darling,
could you try?
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) Sept. 30, 2007 10:46 A.M.
This, as most of the poems is personal. This is one that hasn’t really been tested except for on the person it was sent to. The story behind this poem is I met a wonderful person online and right now to date, we have never met but we talk on the phone and we are having a beautiful mental romantic love affair.
YOU PROVOKE ME!
You provoke me.
Every time I see you
hear your voice
smell you
taaaaaste
you
feeeeeeel you
you provoke me.
You provoke me
every time you speak my name,
Speak my name.
Sing my name
Siiiiiing my name.
You provoke me.
You provoke me
Every time you come near.
It’s your heart that I hear
and the sound is so clear.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaad it’s
calling me.calling me, calling me
calling me.,calling me
calling me.
Baby you
Provoke me
When you hold me
the feeling is so sweet
my body almost can’t take the heat
The fire roars throughout my bones.
And the tones, the groans
the after moans
The bending , the turning
the whirling, the churning.
Your thunder sweetly thra-shon
You provoke me
to
PASSION!------------
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
© March 24, 2009
Every time I see you
hear your voice
smell you
taaaaaste
you
feeeeeeel you
you provoke me.
You provoke me
every time you speak my name,
Speak my name.
Sing my name
Siiiiiing my name.
You provoke me.
You provoke me
Every time you come near.
It’s your heart that I hear
and the sound is so clear.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaad it’s
calling me.calling me, calling me
calling me.,calling me
calling me.
Baby you
Provoke me
When you hold me
the feeling is so sweet
my body almost can’t take the heat
The fire roars throughout my bones.
And the tones, the groans
the after moans
The bending , the turning
the whirling, the churning.
Your thunder sweetly thra-shon
You provoke me
to
PASSION!------------
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
© March 24, 2009
My Son Brandon AKA Nasir
Tonight when I was checking my emails I received one from my son Brandon. (aka Nasir) He was my second born and very dear to my heart. He's actually the only one that I planned for. (with the exception of my youngest son Ben. I actually asked the Lord for one more child before I turned 30. Ben was conceived at 30 and born at 31) But Brandon, I really planned for. I remember how much I longed for another child. I wanted a child so badly that it hurt. I had one son that I absolutely adored named Demond. My first born who almost lost his life at birth.
I'll never forget the name of the doctor who saved his life...Dr Applebloom.
I guess Demond was about 2 when I began to want my second child. (I wanted 4 sons) I remember how upset I was every month when I discovered that I was not going to have a baby and just how excited I was when I discovered that I was. The 4th of July fireworks had nothing on what my heart was feeling. The pregnancy was easy and when it came time for Brandon to be born there was no pain at all. And when I say no pain I mean "NO PAIN" When I held Brandon in my arms he was so beautiful. It was just incredible.
As I read over my emails, he was sad today because he had searched for me in google and wanted to show his friends that I was indeed his mother. He came across a bio somewhere where he was totally left out. It's almost 3 a.m. and I can't call him. I can only imagine how he must be hurting to think that I actually forgot about him.
I invited him to come here and I hope that he does. Son if you do come by here, please know that I would never in my life forget about you. I would never hurt you intentionally. And when we do talk I promise you I will go to where ever that bio is and correct it. You're my second son but you will always be my baby (along with your other brothers and sisters -smile-) I love you dearly.
Mommy
I'll never forget the name of the doctor who saved his life...Dr Applebloom.
I guess Demond was about 2 when I began to want my second child. (I wanted 4 sons) I remember how upset I was every month when I discovered that I was not going to have a baby and just how excited I was when I discovered that I was. The 4th of July fireworks had nothing on what my heart was feeling. The pregnancy was easy and when it came time for Brandon to be born there was no pain at all. And when I say no pain I mean "NO PAIN" When I held Brandon in my arms he was so beautiful. It was just incredible.
As I read over my emails, he was sad today because he had searched for me in google and wanted to show his friends that I was indeed his mother. He came across a bio somewhere where he was totally left out. It's almost 3 a.m. and I can't call him. I can only imagine how he must be hurting to think that I actually forgot about him.
I invited him to come here and I hope that he does. Son if you do come by here, please know that I would never in my life forget about you. I would never hurt you intentionally. And when we do talk I promise you I will go to where ever that bio is and correct it. You're my second son but you will always be my baby (along with your other brothers and sisters -smile-) I love you dearly.
Mommy
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