Growing Love, Hiding Pain

June 22, 2009

It's Tuesday early evening. I spent a good part of the morning chatting on line with my new friend, and on line family member Eunice Hicks. Somehow our conversation drifted into the affairs of the heart. I shared with her, open heartedly, about my failed marriages and relationships. It becomes a bit confusing sometimes when I hear from my friends just how wonderful a person I am...yet my relationships continue to fail. (At times I feel much like Peter at the Last Supper when he leaned over and softly asked Jesus....."Is it me Lord?")

I'm a dreamer (and that's a very good thing) and sometimes I would much rather not separate the real from dreams, but surely, being that we don't believe in Fairy tales....certainly we would (or should) prefer the real thing. To hear Coke tell it, there's nothing like it....(the real thing) Hummmm someone else said that too.> Ain't nothin' like the real thang....ba-by. Ain't nothing like the real...thang. When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.

Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul.

Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good. I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.

Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do. So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....
and it is.....
what it is.