I'm sitting at my desk. Home alone. Those are two words that right now I both love and dislike. Home...that's a sound I love....alone.....right now I'm disliking. I'm thankful that I'm a writer because this is how I get my greatest release at times. I love blogs because they are a form of journaling. Most of the time no one bothers to read them so they are safe and mostly private.A thought crossed my mind as I listen to my itunes. Chris Tomlin is singing "How Great is our God" what an awesome song. As I close my eyes I can almost see God in all of His Glory. And suddenly I don't feel so alone after all.
I walked through my home after taking Stephanie to the Christian Jazz Cafe. I went from room to room just thanking God for where He brought us from. When we lived in the ghettos of Newport News Virginia, I had the faith to believe God would not leave us there. And in all things in the ghetto, we thanked God because He was so faithful to keep a roof over our heads. No matter how tough things were, we had a roof over our head and all of our needs were met. Sometimes we didn't have water, sometimes no heat but we had the love of a close family. We had food, and we had shelter. And what our home lacked, we found other places. So we never went without.Sure the devil mocked us...maybe asking, "where is your God now." and in all things, no matter how bad, I always knew, He was neigh me, even in my mouth and surely in my heart. I never lost sight of my dreams of being able to provide a better home for my family.
In 2003 God moved us to Atlanta into a nice 3 bedroom Spanish style split level home. I had stood in this very home while visiting Georgia years ago. I was there alone, (I guess that's the time when God can best speak to us...when we're alone and there are no distractions) Everyone was out celebrating Thanksgiving. I chose not to go. As I stood right above the den my spirit spoke to me and said, "This is my home." I think I smiled and thought no more about it. I guess 7 years later I was moving my family in. We lived there for 4 years and then God showed me another home. A little larger than this one. It was a 4 bedroom two story home in the center of a Cull-DE-sac. I always wanted to live in a Cull-DE-sac because I felt they were safer.
Not too much traffic. We moved in here with no money down and I never did pay the deposit of a little over a grand. But as we prepared to move into this home, the Lord showed me yet another home much larger than this one. It was huge. It had a marble floor and it had a winding stair case right in the center of the living room which was about the size of my entire home that I'm living in now.A mansion, that's what it appeared to be. The lights were not on because we had just closed on the house and got the keys. I stood at the stair case with Ben. We were both satisfied. My three girls came running through the front door and they ran and ran and ran and never reached me.
Ben and I Watched them running towards us and I said to Ben, "Finally we're in a house big enough where the girls have plenty of room" then I woke up.My emotions are moving from sadness to awe. God is truly an awesome God, He is not slack concerning His promises. And when you feel unloved and like no one is there, all you really have to do is remember that He is always there. He promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. I remember when my kitchen stove burned down. When the fire department wouldn't come...He sent someone to put the fire out. When I couldn't afford to replace the stove and chose to not just settle for any stove, God sent someone to buy me a stove much better than the one I had purchased for myself. My stove was bought used, but God gave me a brand new one. When I went to buy a car and things didn't turn out and I changed my mind, they were not able to put it on my credit because I wanted to give the car back....and not only that, I found a diamond in the trunk of the car. And not a tiny one either and it was real. (drug dealers car? I don't know...diamond thief? I don't know...but the diamond is beautiful)
I look back over the wonders I have seen and I have decided to write a book about my life with my best friend. God. I got the title to the book and the go ahead in my spirit last night. I have a new literary agent who is also my publisher. And I'm leaning totally on God, (Like I Use To Do) and at this very moment I feel that my breakthrough is at hand.
(THEN SINGS MY SOUL...MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE, HOW GREAT THOU ART...HOW GREAT THOU ART.)
I feel much better now.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
HELL FROZE OVER LAST NIGHT
Hell froze over last night
and I caught a cold.
while sleeping in my bed,
tossing in my dreams
Pains of my realities did unfold.
I saw him in the shadows
dressed from head to toe in fire.
Slowly smoke engulfed the flamesand snuffed out my.....
desire.
Hell Froze over last night
and hit me where it hur...ted.
Left me feeling all alone
confused and so deser....ted.
Was it all a masquerade?
Or just a cry for some attention?
Was it some tomfolery
or things I should not mention?
Hell froze over last night
and left me cold and still.
Thought my heart would break in to
Left me feeling ill.
As I looked up from where I was
I saw another day.
I heard the Lord whisper to me.
"I love you,
you'll be okay"
(c) - April 7, 2009
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
AKAPsoemetry
http://cdbaby.com/cd/quietstorme
and I caught a cold.
while sleeping in my bed,
tossing in my dreams
Pains of my realities did unfold.
I saw him in the shadows
dressed from head to toe in fire.
Slowly smoke engulfed the flamesand snuffed out my.....
desire.
Hell Froze over last night
and hit me where it hur...ted.
Left me feeling all alone
confused and so deser....ted.
Was it all a masquerade?
Or just a cry for some attention?
Was it some tomfolery
or things I should not mention?
Hell froze over last night
and left me cold and still.
Thought my heart would break in to
Left me feeling ill.
As I looked up from where I was
I saw another day.
I heard the Lord whisper to me.
"I love you,
you'll be okay"
(c) - April 7, 2009
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
AKAPsoemetry
http://cdbaby.com/cd/quietstorme
Enlightened
It's raining now, outside. It feels like the wind is about to rip the roof off the house. The electricity is working still, but I'm burning candles. There is something about the feeling of soft candles glowing against such, such violence.
I pull my covers tighter around me and lean back gently on your chest. "You ok?" I hear you asking me as I tilt my head to get a better look at your face. You look so handsome against the dancing flames. Your body shifts to accommodate mine and I snuggle closer. I feel your arms as they wrap around me. You smell soooooo good.
The storm quiets down and I hear you as you hum. Your hands begin to stroke my locks as you hum. I close my eyes and listen as you and the storm create such a sound. Your hand moves to my neck. Tension releases at the touch of your finger tips. My heart joins in the music keeping step with ........the sound.
"How does that feel?" your voice is so tender against my ears. How does that feel? My head sways to help you reach, "that spot" I rotate my shoulders as your massive fingers caress and release my tired aching muscles. How does it feel? It feels like you should go lower. Lower as my back leaves your chest. I worked hard all day and I NEED to feel your touch against my warm moist skin.
The rain has stopped now. You shift and slowly lay me down on a sea of golden rivers that flow rapidly through my mind. Resting on your elbow you look deeply into my eyes. So deep that I can feel myself and I'm loving you fiercely. Your lips come together as you blow sweetly upon my face. My eyes close and I hear your voice? "Are you hot?" I'm burning up. "Do you need anything?" I need you. "Can I get you anything?"
I open my eyes and I look carefully at you. So many questions. I touch your face...."Kiss me" I whisper. It's raining again, but now the storm is on the inside. The thunder moves me in another way, another dimension.
Electricity rips throughout my body almost severing my nerve endings. My eyes open wide as I fight to catch my breath. "ahhhhh" I gasp. "ahhhhhhh" I gasp. My eyes shut tightly and you sing until your words come from deep inside of me. "I love you" I heard that, but I didn't say it. Holding you so tightly as if afraid that if I let you go I'd fall,.... I whisper. "What did you say?
Your voice is heavy and hoarse. You tremble and hold me tighter..."I love you." "ahhhh" I gasp. My eyes open and I hear the thunder, I see the thunder, I feel the thunder. "ahhh" I gasp. My fingers find the center of your head. It's bald because, that's the way I like it to be. I prefer it to be. I need it to be.
I'm trembling as you hold me, quietly. "I love you too" I whisper. Such colors fill the room, swirling above my head. My heart echos, "I love you too" My breath deepens as almost by magic we find ourselves right among the clouds. I hear music and I want to SIIIIING, but I can't even move, I can't even speak, I can't even breathe. I want to SIIIIING, but I can't even....turn you loose.
The sounds the sounds the sounds as we go soaring to the ground. Of hearts beating and lips meeting and completing....and completing......and completing.
I hear your voice as you whisper, "How do you feel" and I hear mine...."Enlightened"
Psoemetry
June 28th 2009
10:10 p.m.
I pull my covers tighter around me and lean back gently on your chest. "You ok?" I hear you asking me as I tilt my head to get a better look at your face. You look so handsome against the dancing flames. Your body shifts to accommodate mine and I snuggle closer. I feel your arms as they wrap around me. You smell soooooo good.
The storm quiets down and I hear you as you hum. Your hands begin to stroke my locks as you hum. I close my eyes and listen as you and the storm create such a sound. Your hand moves to my neck. Tension releases at the touch of your finger tips. My heart joins in the music keeping step with ........the sound.
"How does that feel?" your voice is so tender against my ears. How does that feel? My head sways to help you reach, "that spot" I rotate my shoulders as your massive fingers caress and release my tired aching muscles. How does it feel? It feels like you should go lower. Lower as my back leaves your chest. I worked hard all day and I NEED to feel your touch against my warm moist skin.
The rain has stopped now. You shift and slowly lay me down on a sea of golden rivers that flow rapidly through my mind. Resting on your elbow you look deeply into my eyes. So deep that I can feel myself and I'm loving you fiercely. Your lips come together as you blow sweetly upon my face. My eyes close and I hear your voice? "Are you hot?" I'm burning up. "Do you need anything?" I need you. "Can I get you anything?"
I open my eyes and I look carefully at you. So many questions. I touch your face...."Kiss me" I whisper. It's raining again, but now the storm is on the inside. The thunder moves me in another way, another dimension.
Electricity rips throughout my body almost severing my nerve endings. My eyes open wide as I fight to catch my breath. "ahhhhh" I gasp. "ahhhhhhh" I gasp. My eyes shut tightly and you sing until your words come from deep inside of me. "I love you" I heard that, but I didn't say it. Holding you so tightly as if afraid that if I let you go I'd fall,.... I whisper. "What did you say?
Your voice is heavy and hoarse. You tremble and hold me tighter..."I love you." "ahhhh" I gasp. My eyes open and I hear the thunder, I see the thunder, I feel the thunder. "ahhh" I gasp. My fingers find the center of your head. It's bald because, that's the way I like it to be. I prefer it to be. I need it to be.
I'm trembling as you hold me, quietly. "I love you too" I whisper. Such colors fill the room, swirling above my head. My heart echos, "I love you too" My breath deepens as almost by magic we find ourselves right among the clouds. I hear music and I want to SIIIIING, but I can't even move, I can't even speak, I can't even breathe. I want to SIIIIING, but I can't even....turn you loose.
The sounds the sounds the sounds as we go soaring to the ground. Of hearts beating and lips meeting and completing....and completing......and completing.
I hear your voice as you whisper, "How do you feel" and I hear mine...."Enlightened"
Psoemetry
June 28th 2009
10:10 p.m.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
You Provoke Me
You provoke me.
Every time I see you
hear your voice
smell you
taaaaaste
you
feeeeeeel you
you provoke me.
You provoke me
every time you speak my name,
Speak my name.
Sing my name
Siiiiiing my name.
You provoke me.
You provoke me
Every time you come near.
It’s your heart that I hear
and the sound is so clear.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaad it’s
calling me.calling me, calling me
calling me.,calling me
calling me.
Baby you
Provoke me
When you hold me
the feeling is so sweet
my body almost can’t take the heat
The fire roars throughout my bones.
And the tones, the groans
the after moans
The bending , the turning
the whirling, the churning.
Your thunder sweetly thra-shon
You provoke me
to
PASSION!-
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
AKA Psoemetry
© March 24, 2009
Every time I see you
hear your voice
smell you
taaaaaste
you
feeeeeeel you
you provoke me.
You provoke me
every time you speak my name,
Speak my name.
Sing my name
Siiiiiing my name.
You provoke me.
You provoke me
Every time you come near.
It’s your heart that I hear
and the sound is so clear.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaad it’s
calling me.calling me, calling me
calling me.,calling me
calling me.
Baby you
Provoke me
When you hold me
the feeling is so sweet
my body almost can’t take the heat
The fire roars throughout my bones.
And the tones, the groans
the after moans
The bending , the turning
the whirling, the churning.
Your thunder sweetly thra-shon
You provoke me
to
PASSION!-
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
AKA Psoemetry
© March 24, 2009
Growing Love, Hiding Pain
June 22, 2009
It's Tuesday early evening. I spent a good part of the morning chatting on line with my new friend, and on line family member Eunice Hicks. Somehow our conversation drifted into the affairs of the heart. I shared with her, open heartedly, about my failed marriages and relationships. It becomes a bit confusing sometimes when I hear from my friends just how wonderful a person I am...yet my relationships continue to fail. (At times I feel much like Peter at the Last Supper when he leaned over and softly asked Jesus....."Is it me Lord?")
I'm a dreamer (and that's a very good thing) and sometimes I would much rather not separate the real from dreams, but surely, being that we don't believe in Fairy tales....certainly we would (or should) prefer the real thing. To hear Coke tell it, there's nothing like it....(the real thing) Hummmm someone else said that too.> Ain't nothin' like the real thang....ba-by. Ain't nothing like the real...thang. When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.
Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul.
Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good. I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do. So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....
and it is.....
what it is.
It's Tuesday early evening. I spent a good part of the morning chatting on line with my new friend, and on line family member Eunice Hicks. Somehow our conversation drifted into the affairs of the heart. I shared with her, open heartedly, about my failed marriages and relationships. It becomes a bit confusing sometimes when I hear from my friends just how wonderful a person I am...yet my relationships continue to fail. (At times I feel much like Peter at the Last Supper when he leaned over and softly asked Jesus....."Is it me Lord?")
I'm a dreamer (and that's a very good thing) and sometimes I would much rather not separate the real from dreams, but surely, being that we don't believe in Fairy tales....certainly we would (or should) prefer the real thing. To hear Coke tell it, there's nothing like it....(the real thing) Hummmm someone else said that too.> Ain't nothin' like the real thang....ba-by. Ain't nothing like the real...thang. When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.
Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul.
Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good. I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do. So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....
and it is.....
what it is.
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