Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Chilllle I need some new pictures
Hello everyone. I will be updating this site soon with some new photos and hopefully videos. I am also looking for a way to tie all of my sites together. I love this blog spot and will have to make more time for it. As much as I write it should be full. so please hang in there with me. More is on the way.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
It's been a while since I've been here. I have indeed been a busy bee. Doing what? Being.....just being. This morning when I woke up I began texting friends the simple words, "Happy Mother's Day!" I even texted a male friend of mine who was a single parent. (was he ever shocked) Then I texted another young friend who grew up from a small child right before my eyes. I wasn't sure if she was a mom or not because it had been a while since I saw her. It seemed all the other new adults were moms so I guessed she was too. She smiled and texted me back and informed me that she in face was not a mom but thanked me anyway. (that was awkward. And how do I know she smiled? It was a text.....because I know her. She always smiles) She shared with me that she had thought about becoming a foster parent and wanted to speak to me about it. My first instinct was to tell her...."Runnnnn" then that short lived thought turned to my own children whom I adopted about 10 years ago. I told her it was a very good idea and I would speak to her about it soon.
One of the greatest thing an adult can give to a child is a good home. But unless you love that child.....or love children and are willing to give up some very important things for that child (like your sanity) It may not be the best move for you. I had actually known all of my children since birth or close to that so I had somewhat of an advantage going into this thing. Or so I thought. My children were 3, 5 and 7 when I got them. The little darlings. the 5 year old was actually my grandchild by blood. Each of the children had a different father, there were actually four children. The last was a new born. All of the fathers were either in prison, jail or freshly released except my son. He was married and living in Louisiana.
We went to court (he flew up for the hearing and was granted full custody by the Judge) the other two children, the 3 and 7 who was now 8, became wards of the state and their natural mother ruled as unfit. They were taken to a shelter and I just could not get past that. I immediately applied to become a foster parent and was given the children. I knew I would have it easy because they knew me from birth. No way was I going to have any problems with these kids that I loved with all of my heart and they loved me back already. I was even told upon graduation from foster parents class, that I was at an advantage over the others who had no history with their children. How wrong could anyone be?
I remember being in the kitchen washing dishes with the oldest who became upset because she didn't get her way about something. She formed her angry little mouth in such a way as to call me a b... she called me a b.... she called me a female dog. My parental instict kicked in as I seized that child in my hands. In the back of my mind I heard, "Remember you signed the no corporal punishment agreement" I turned her lose and made her do .....time out. When I asked her a question, like I so often did my sons when I was raising them....basically to make them think about what ever it was they did, she responded with a smirky, "none ya" I asked, "what?!" She wagged her neck and said again, "none ya" then returned to her state of time out. That's when I immediately went to the Lord, not on my knees but straight up. "Lord, are You sure You wanted me to do this?" His reply was simple and direct, "If you don't....who will?" that was always His response. I hoped He would say, "My mistake, you can send them back" but He never did.
I'll share much more later as to how things went in future blogs, there just isn't enough time or space. But I will tell you this. It was a rough 10 years and I'm so glad that the Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. The 8 year old is not 17, soon to be 18 and wants to study culunary arts and is working with me in our family business. The 5 year old is now 16 and studying to be a lawyer and the 3 year old is now 14 and showing great promise to being the next....I don't know the names of female basket ball stars but she's sure to become the next one.
The children just came to shower me with gifts and to give me home made cards. They are playing the Soul Food "mamma" They each made me a home made card and asked me what I wanted for dinner. What a long way we have come. Them, the Father and me. The oldest one just huged me and whispered, "Loving you is like food to my soul" what a wonderful quote. (I almost cried so I had to send them to get me some water.) I'm going to close for now and just say this, to change a life of someone else often means you have to change your own. It's not always you who will make the difference in their lives but they who will make a difference in yours. As I wipe the sweat of the years from my brow I can in my minds eye see the Lord sitting on His throne smiling back at me. Only He knows just what this journey took and meant to all of us. If I were to hear anything from Him at all right now.....I could only imagine that He would say....."Happy Mother's Day"
Make a difference in a child's life today. Be blessed of the Father and have a great week.
One of the greatest thing an adult can give to a child is a good home. But unless you love that child.....or love children and are willing to give up some very important things for that child (like your sanity) It may not be the best move for you. I had actually known all of my children since birth or close to that so I had somewhat of an advantage going into this thing. Or so I thought. My children were 3, 5 and 7 when I got them. The little darlings. the 5 year old was actually my grandchild by blood. Each of the children had a different father, there were actually four children. The last was a new born. All of the fathers were either in prison, jail or freshly released except my son. He was married and living in Louisiana.
We went to court (he flew up for the hearing and was granted full custody by the Judge) the other two children, the 3 and 7 who was now 8, became wards of the state and their natural mother ruled as unfit. They were taken to a shelter and I just could not get past that. I immediately applied to become a foster parent and was given the children. I knew I would have it easy because they knew me from birth. No way was I going to have any problems with these kids that I loved with all of my heart and they loved me back already. I was even told upon graduation from foster parents class, that I was at an advantage over the others who had no history with their children. How wrong could anyone be?
I remember being in the kitchen washing dishes with the oldest who became upset because she didn't get her way about something. She formed her angry little mouth in such a way as to call me a b... she called me a b.... she called me a female dog. My parental instict kicked in as I seized that child in my hands. In the back of my mind I heard, "Remember you signed the no corporal punishment agreement" I turned her lose and made her do .....time out. When I asked her a question, like I so often did my sons when I was raising them....basically to make them think about what ever it was they did, she responded with a smirky, "none ya" I asked, "what?!" She wagged her neck and said again, "none ya" then returned to her state of time out. That's when I immediately went to the Lord, not on my knees but straight up. "Lord, are You sure You wanted me to do this?" His reply was simple and direct, "If you don't....who will?" that was always His response. I hoped He would say, "My mistake, you can send them back" but He never did.
I'll share much more later as to how things went in future blogs, there just isn't enough time or space. But I will tell you this. It was a rough 10 years and I'm so glad that the Heavenly Father knows what He's doing. The 8 year old is not 17, soon to be 18 and wants to study culunary arts and is working with me in our family business. The 5 year old is now 16 and studying to be a lawyer and the 3 year old is now 14 and showing great promise to being the next....I don't know the names of female basket ball stars but she's sure to become the next one.
The children just came to shower me with gifts and to give me home made cards. They are playing the Soul Food "mamma" They each made me a home made card and asked me what I wanted for dinner. What a long way we have come. Them, the Father and me. The oldest one just huged me and whispered, "Loving you is like food to my soul" what a wonderful quote. (I almost cried so I had to send them to get me some water.) I'm going to close for now and just say this, to change a life of someone else often means you have to change your own. It's not always you who will make the difference in their lives but they who will make a difference in yours. As I wipe the sweat of the years from my brow I can in my minds eye see the Lord sitting on His throne smiling back at me. Only He knows just what this journey took and meant to all of us. If I were to hear anything from Him at all right now.....I could only imagine that He would say....."Happy Mother's Day"
Make a difference in a child's life today. Be blessed of the Father and have a great week.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Did You?
Did you think about me today?
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you smile?
Did you hear a soft love tune?
Did it.....
send you to the moon?
Did your soul in gladness bloom
as your mind crossed the room?
As you jumped into the shower
did your spirit feel my power?
Did the thunder in my soul
make you want to looooose control?
Did you
want to hold me near?
Did you
want my voice to hear?
Did you wonder 'bout my kiss?
Could things happen just like this?
Did you think about how I felt?
If I touched you,
would you melt?
If you held me for a while.....
would I smile?
Well,
I thought about you today.
Thought of words I'd like to say.
If you met me would you stay
and be my close friend...anyway?
Thought about how you would smell
and silly things I'd love to tell.
Tender moments in a place
as I touched your handsome face.
Thought about your chocolate skin
and my hand upon your chin.
Thought about how you would taste;
feel my arms around your waist.
Thought about your head at rest
sturdily upon my breasts
and my chest would rise and fall
yes I thought about it all.
But.....
Did you think about me today?
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you
smile?
(Adonis, yes you inspire me......
Sandii)
-Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) August 17, 2009
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you smile?
Did you hear a soft love tune?
Did it.....
send you to the moon?
Did your soul in gladness bloom
as your mind crossed the room?
As you jumped into the shower
did your spirit feel my power?
Did the thunder in my soul
make you want to looooose control?
Did you
want to hold me near?
Did you
want my voice to hear?
Did you wonder 'bout my kiss?
Could things happen just like this?
Did you think about how I felt?
If I touched you,
would you melt?
If you held me for a while.....
would I smile?
Well,
I thought about you today.
Thought of words I'd like to say.
If you met me would you stay
and be my close friend...anyway?
Thought about how you would smell
and silly things I'd love to tell.
Tender moments in a place
as I touched your handsome face.
Thought about your chocolate skin
and my hand upon your chin.
Thought about how you would taste;
feel my arms around your waist.
Thought about your head at rest
sturdily upon my breasts
and my chest would rise and fall
yes I thought about it all.
But.....
Did you think about me today?
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you
smile?
(Adonis, yes you inspire me......
Sandii)
-Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I Wish
I wish sometimes I could just close my eyes and die. Perhaps it would have been better were I never born. I look at life, not just my life but life in general. I see the beauty before me and I want to embrace it....to love it....to hold it forever. But then......
Closing my eyes I take in the deepest breath possible and it feeeeels so good. It's warm and inviting. Yet there is something cold about it all that just causes my soul to shiver. (just a little bit...sometimes) I reach up and feel the tears as they roll down my cheeks (sometimes) and I suppose it's a good thing to feel them there. I speak as they go by and they answer back and say, "I love you too, but I'm hurting" and there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop the pain. So they roll on.
I have a favorite chair that I sit in, in my room. It's right in front of my computer. My computer, in case no one noticed, is my best friend. It listens to me and it speaks to me. It opens the door to the world to me and let's in whom ever I wish. Then, it quietly speaks to me in a whisper saying, "that's enough for today.....go to bed now" Then....I flip to my itunes and Anita Baker sings me to sleep....sweetly and tenderly like an old friend who understands the real issues of my heart.
Upon my bed is where I find my dreams. The real dreams. Nightmares are not permitted there. (I get those when I wake) Nightmares like, "You were a terrible mother to me.....why did you let me suffer!!!" Nightmares like...."You should have stayed with my dad until I was grown so I could have had a normal childhood!!!" ("who cares about you.....you should have let my father beat the crap out of you......you should have hung in there....you should have been my sacrificial lamb....lamb....lamb....I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!")
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. Weariness covers me with a blanket when I hear the voices of my sons echo in my mind. They didn't knock or ask permission to enter there. They just came in. They came in reminding me what a hard life they had when they were young. (Not all of my sons.... some of my sons love me unconditionally.) But the ones that don't. Ahhh their voices haunt me. Their fingers point so they beat their wives, wishing it was me. They curse their lives, wishing it was me. And they frown their faces while their lips smile and their arms extend out to me and they force their voices to say, "I love you mommy"
I remember taking 3 buses to work and working 2 jobs and falling asleep behind the wheel of my car, when I had a car while my heart would sing...."This I do for you." I remember going without food so my sons can eat and I remember being so proud of my income tax checks that I would take them shopping and spend every dime....on....them and nothing....on....me. I remember sitting in the child support office being treated like a beggar and leaving ....like a beggar....(and no check came in the mail) I remember once, because we could not do the things other families could do, I took a check and took my sons to the dollar movie for one week straight...every single day. I would buy candy and make hot dogs and drinks in a plastic bottle so they would not make noise and I was so happy. I would take my biggest purse and hide the food safely inside and we would wait for the lights to go out in the movies then quietly....shhhhh...quietly I would pass the food out and my sons would laugh....."mommy is the bomb" Then the week was over and I felt satisfied until my sons complained because......it was still not enough.
I'm remembering....but the memories seem to be only in my mind. So in pain I fall down, in failure I fall down, in disgust I fall down. But Jesus told me to do all I can to stand...and I trust Him so I get back up. My sons are grown and God has given me 3 more children. Girls this time. He has given me three more children's lives to ......destroy? I don't know. Why trust me with more when the first work was done so badly?
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. But they need me so I live. I guess I must live. These children, these girls adore me....sometimes. Then sometimes they get so angry at me and I just......remember. Then......and should I be shocked? They tell me that they love me. I look into their faces and see softness there and not anger. I look into their hearts and and I see love there. Then, I look back at the Lord and I ask again, "Are you sure?" And I feel the wind blowing sweetly against my face and my heart stirs. I ask myself, "are these girls my redemption?" and I refuse to work 2 jobs. I refuse to ride three buses to work. I refuse to be....what ever made me a terrible mother to my sons. (and I do not yet know just what that was) And I will love my daughters and be the best mother to them that I can be. And when they are old enough and can be on their own......will I still wish.....then........
Closing my eyes I take in the deepest breath possible and it feeeeels so good. It's warm and inviting. Yet there is something cold about it all that just causes my soul to shiver. (just a little bit...sometimes) I reach up and feel the tears as they roll down my cheeks (sometimes) and I suppose it's a good thing to feel them there. I speak as they go by and they answer back and say, "I love you too, but I'm hurting" and there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop the pain. So they roll on.
I have a favorite chair that I sit in, in my room. It's right in front of my computer. My computer, in case no one noticed, is my best friend. It listens to me and it speaks to me. It opens the door to the world to me and let's in whom ever I wish. Then, it quietly speaks to me in a whisper saying, "that's enough for today.....go to bed now" Then....I flip to my itunes and Anita Baker sings me to sleep....sweetly and tenderly like an old friend who understands the real issues of my heart.
Upon my bed is where I find my dreams. The real dreams. Nightmares are not permitted there. (I get those when I wake) Nightmares like, "You were a terrible mother to me.....why did you let me suffer!!!" Nightmares like...."You should have stayed with my dad until I was grown so I could have had a normal childhood!!!" ("who cares about you.....you should have let my father beat the crap out of you......you should have hung in there....you should have been my sacrificial lamb....lamb....lamb....I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!")
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. Weariness covers me with a blanket when I hear the voices of my sons echo in my mind. They didn't knock or ask permission to enter there. They just came in. They came in reminding me what a hard life they had when they were young. (Not all of my sons.... some of my sons love me unconditionally.) But the ones that don't. Ahhh their voices haunt me. Their fingers point so they beat their wives, wishing it was me. They curse their lives, wishing it was me. And they frown their faces while their lips smile and their arms extend out to me and they force their voices to say, "I love you mommy"
I remember taking 3 buses to work and working 2 jobs and falling asleep behind the wheel of my car, when I had a car while my heart would sing...."This I do for you." I remember going without food so my sons can eat and I remember being so proud of my income tax checks that I would take them shopping and spend every dime....on....them and nothing....on....me. I remember sitting in the child support office being treated like a beggar and leaving ....like a beggar....(and no check came in the mail) I remember once, because we could not do the things other families could do, I took a check and took my sons to the dollar movie for one week straight...every single day. I would buy candy and make hot dogs and drinks in a plastic bottle so they would not make noise and I was so happy. I would take my biggest purse and hide the food safely inside and we would wait for the lights to go out in the movies then quietly....shhhhh...quietly I would pass the food out and my sons would laugh....."mommy is the bomb" Then the week was over and I felt satisfied until my sons complained because......it was still not enough.
I'm remembering....but the memories seem to be only in my mind. So in pain I fall down, in failure I fall down, in disgust I fall down. But Jesus told me to do all I can to stand...and I trust Him so I get back up. My sons are grown and God has given me 3 more children. Girls this time. He has given me three more children's lives to ......destroy? I don't know. Why trust me with more when the first work was done so badly?
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. But they need me so I live. I guess I must live. These children, these girls adore me....sometimes. Then sometimes they get so angry at me and I just......remember. Then......and should I be shocked? They tell me that they love me. I look into their faces and see softness there and not anger. I look into their hearts and and I see love there. Then, I look back at the Lord and I ask again, "Are you sure?" And I feel the wind blowing sweetly against my face and my heart stirs. I ask myself, "are these girls my redemption?" and I refuse to work 2 jobs. I refuse to ride three buses to work. I refuse to be....what ever made me a terrible mother to my sons. (and I do not yet know just what that was) And I will love my daughters and be the best mother to them that I can be. And when they are old enough and can be on their own......will I still wish.....then........
Saturday, July 11, 2009
IT WAS STARTING TO AFFECT ME
Two years had passed since he and I started talking. We celebrated his first birthday as us being a couple. He loves the Dallas Cowbows and gave me a Cowboy jersey in 2008 as a gift when he and I went to see Anita Baker in concert in Portsmouth, VA. And just before he moved here to Georgia to spend the rest of his life with me, I did the unspeakable. It was so far out of my character that still I can't even believe it. I broke up with him. He didn't do anything wrong. This thing called doubt and fear crept in. Was he really the right man? I mean forever is just that.... forever.
While we were in Portsmouth we had some beautiful bonding time. And he was just so sweet to me. We went out to dinner together and he showed me around his town. It felt so so very right. Then why did I break it off? (when I think about how much I'm loving you.....no limitations, no set of regimented rules. I'm amazed at how much this love has touched my life. It's a commitment that we share, It's a welcome sacrifice).
The last image I have of him and me being together was at the airport. He came inside in spite of the rules that clearly stated not to leave your car parked or it would be towed away. I was so concerned about his car and kept insisting I would be alright and he should go. He pulled me to him and said softly, "It's just a car. I need to make sure my baby is alright" As I walked through the terminal I looked back and he was still standing there. He was smiling....tall, dark.....wonderful. Then I looked into his eyes and the look of love that I saw there was incredible. At that moment it was engraved in the deepest part of my memory. I'll never forget it. I boarded the plane and that was the last time I saw him. I'm not one to handle long distance relationships well, nor am or was I one to successfully WAIT for anything. Waiting is just NOT my bowl of ice cream. ( you know the baby ruth ice cream that you can only find at Krogers. With the caramel and nuts in it and it's just ummmmmm cool.)
Life happened and the next thing I know, I had slipped a letter to him, coward that I was, in the mail letting him know that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with him. Doubt and unbelief is a true destroyer. Then he called me when he got the letter and let me know, gently, that he would be alright. I wished him well (fool that I was) hung up the phone, then I cried. All I could think of was that look of love deep in his eyes.(The look of love is in your eyes, the look your smile can't disguise. The look of love is saying so much more than words can ever say. And what my heart has heard it takes my breath away....)
I dated a few guys after that. And my thoughts just kept going back to him. The way when he stood he just towered over me. How it felt when he touched me. How he smelled when he held me....real tight. And his eyes. The memory of his eyes was so strong I told a girl friend that...."I could feel his eyes so strongly in the back of my head and it was so powerful that I could look out of my eyes and see deeply into his. I dated this one man and he was wonderful to me. The perfect gentleman, inspite of his quiet coaxing that perhaps we could do.....more. It was on our last date. He took me out to dinner.....I sat across from him smiling and enjoying his conversation when.....all of a sudden.....my heart spoke......very loudly.....VERY Loudly! It wasn't him. It wasn't the one my soul delighted in. And that was the last time I saw him. After that, my sleep began to just be so messed up it was almost pointless even going to bed at night. (when I'm all alone and I hear your voice, no other man can make me feel the way you do. I can't describe this feeling inside...I can't sleep at night) .
I began to become cranky and my answers were getting shorter and shorter. Then my heart began to hurt. I spoke to some of my friends here on the site about the gentleman that I was dating. They were so excited for me and I truly did hope that it worked out. But "he" kept coming back to me. In my dreams, in my thoughts....in my heart. (got this fever,.....I'm sick baby........ I'm on fire.....fire burns....)
The mistake that I made was almost becoming unbearable. (I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you. Well it may come as a surprise.....but the loneliness has opened my)
When I was on the phone with Lexi last night she was calling to answer an email that I sent her. She kept insisting that I call him. Not being one to handle rejection well, at least not from someone I actually care about, I could not find the courage to call him. Not after what I did to him. The pain in my heart now reached a state of agony. (from one to ten, what is the worse pain?.......20) I explained to Lexi that I couldn't stop thinking about him. For some reason "Mystery" began to follow me. I got up Friday morning and it was playing. I sat down at my computer and really began to listen to the words. out for ano(Turning back the hands of time. Holding on to misty memories. chasing shadows through the night. Trying to find my happy ending. Reaching out for another chance at heaven. We could still find a way if we try......if we try......if we try)
Call him" she insisted. I didn't call him. I couldn't....(coward that I am)....even pick up the phone. I had to go take care of some business. I popped in a cd.....mystery played. I had made some CD's just for my car and loaded many versions of Anita's concerts and other performances. With each CD that I loaded....mystery lead the way. It was everywhere. When I got home and entered my room it was playing on my itunes. Was this a sign?
I spent time in prayer and repented to God for being just so stupid that I couldn't even believe it. Then I went to the computer and pulled up his email address. I told him how much I missed him in as few words as possible then sent him "Mystery" live in London and then I waited.When I spoke to Lexi last night I told her about my......email. She continued to encourage me and told me that because it was my fault I needed to try harder to reach him and make things right.
I could see his face as she and I spoke. The pain in my heart was beginning to leave a hollow spot. In my minds eye I could even begin to see the hole...I could see right through to the outside of my body. We said our good nights, she and I, and I rolled over....and over.....and over all night long reaching out for a decent evening of sleep or even rest. It never came.This morning I drug my body out of my nest and began getting the house in order to face another day. I got the children up..however reluctantly and we were off.
I had to get Cree's tickets in the mail...I had missed the Friday shipment so it was very important that I didn't miss today. I hurried to the post office then back home. I pulled up my email to send her a message when my instant messenger popped up with an offline message. It had gone through the night before. Actually it was sent at midnight as I tossed in my nest unable to rest. It was from him and he had received my email. My heart began to flood with emotions. He said he was still single. He said he missed me. Holding me. Kissing me. He missed me. Then he asked me to call him. And he said, "please" (been so long....I'm missing you baby. Been so long...I'm missing my baby) I called him immediately....well actually a little faster than that. And we spoke. It was magical. We even agreed to put things behind us and start, not over fresh, but to pick up where we left off, but do it right this time. (I'm in need of comfort, the comfort of your hands in mine) It's good to have him back. We were apart for about a year and his birthday is coming up again. Come rain or shine.....I'm gonna get it right this time).Am I happy?.....
Dag Gone Skippy.
While we were in Portsmouth we had some beautiful bonding time. And he was just so sweet to me. We went out to dinner together and he showed me around his town. It felt so so very right. Then why did I break it off? (when I think about how much I'm loving you.....no limitations, no set of regimented rules. I'm amazed at how much this love has touched my life. It's a commitment that we share, It's a welcome sacrifice).
The last image I have of him and me being together was at the airport. He came inside in spite of the rules that clearly stated not to leave your car parked or it would be towed away. I was so concerned about his car and kept insisting I would be alright and he should go. He pulled me to him and said softly, "It's just a car. I need to make sure my baby is alright" As I walked through the terminal I looked back and he was still standing there. He was smiling....tall, dark.....wonderful. Then I looked into his eyes and the look of love that I saw there was incredible. At that moment it was engraved in the deepest part of my memory. I'll never forget it. I boarded the plane and that was the last time I saw him. I'm not one to handle long distance relationships well, nor am or was I one to successfully WAIT for anything. Waiting is just NOT my bowl of ice cream. ( you know the baby ruth ice cream that you can only find at Krogers. With the caramel and nuts in it and it's just ummmmmm cool.)
Life happened and the next thing I know, I had slipped a letter to him, coward that I was, in the mail letting him know that I no longer wanted to be in the relationship with him. Doubt and unbelief is a true destroyer. Then he called me when he got the letter and let me know, gently, that he would be alright. I wished him well (fool that I was) hung up the phone, then I cried. All I could think of was that look of love deep in his eyes.(The look of love is in your eyes, the look your smile can't disguise. The look of love is saying so much more than words can ever say. And what my heart has heard it takes my breath away....)
I dated a few guys after that. And my thoughts just kept going back to him. The way when he stood he just towered over me. How it felt when he touched me. How he smelled when he held me....real tight. And his eyes. The memory of his eyes was so strong I told a girl friend that...."I could feel his eyes so strongly in the back of my head and it was so powerful that I could look out of my eyes and see deeply into his. I dated this one man and he was wonderful to me. The perfect gentleman, inspite of his quiet coaxing that perhaps we could do.....more. It was on our last date. He took me out to dinner.....I sat across from him smiling and enjoying his conversation when.....all of a sudden.....my heart spoke......very loudly.....VERY Loudly! It wasn't him. It wasn't the one my soul delighted in. And that was the last time I saw him. After that, my sleep began to just be so messed up it was almost pointless even going to bed at night. (when I'm all alone and I hear your voice, no other man can make me feel the way you do. I can't describe this feeling inside...I can't sleep at night) .
I began to become cranky and my answers were getting shorter and shorter. Then my heart began to hurt. I spoke to some of my friends here on the site about the gentleman that I was dating. They were so excited for me and I truly did hope that it worked out. But "he" kept coming back to me. In my dreams, in my thoughts....in my heart. (got this fever,.....I'm sick baby........ I'm on fire.....fire burns....)
The mistake that I made was almost becoming unbearable. (I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you. Well it may come as a surprise.....but the loneliness has opened my)
When I was on the phone with Lexi last night she was calling to answer an email that I sent her. She kept insisting that I call him. Not being one to handle rejection well, at least not from someone I actually care about, I could not find the courage to call him. Not after what I did to him. The pain in my heart now reached a state of agony. (from one to ten, what is the worse pain?.......20) I explained to Lexi that I couldn't stop thinking about him. For some reason "Mystery" began to follow me. I got up Friday morning and it was playing. I sat down at my computer and really began to listen to the words. out for ano(Turning back the hands of time. Holding on to misty memories. chasing shadows through the night. Trying to find my happy ending. Reaching out for another chance at heaven. We could still find a way if we try......if we try......if we try)
Call him" she insisted. I didn't call him. I couldn't....(coward that I am)....even pick up the phone. I had to go take care of some business. I popped in a cd.....mystery played. I had made some CD's just for my car and loaded many versions of Anita's concerts and other performances. With each CD that I loaded....mystery lead the way. It was everywhere. When I got home and entered my room it was playing on my itunes. Was this a sign?
I spent time in prayer and repented to God for being just so stupid that I couldn't even believe it. Then I went to the computer and pulled up his email address. I told him how much I missed him in as few words as possible then sent him "Mystery" live in London and then I waited.When I spoke to Lexi last night I told her about my......email. She continued to encourage me and told me that because it was my fault I needed to try harder to reach him and make things right.
I could see his face as she and I spoke. The pain in my heart was beginning to leave a hollow spot. In my minds eye I could even begin to see the hole...I could see right through to the outside of my body. We said our good nights, she and I, and I rolled over....and over.....and over all night long reaching out for a decent evening of sleep or even rest. It never came.This morning I drug my body out of my nest and began getting the house in order to face another day. I got the children up..however reluctantly and we were off.
I had to get Cree's tickets in the mail...I had missed the Friday shipment so it was very important that I didn't miss today. I hurried to the post office then back home. I pulled up my email to send her a message when my instant messenger popped up with an offline message. It had gone through the night before. Actually it was sent at midnight as I tossed in my nest unable to rest. It was from him and he had received my email. My heart began to flood with emotions. He said he was still single. He said he missed me. Holding me. Kissing me. He missed me. Then he asked me to call him. And he said, "please" (been so long....I'm missing you baby. Been so long...I'm missing my baby) I called him immediately....well actually a little faster than that. And we spoke. It was magical. We even agreed to put things behind us and start, not over fresh, but to pick up where we left off, but do it right this time. (I'm in need of comfort, the comfort of your hands in mine) It's good to have him back. We were apart for about a year and his birthday is coming up again. Come rain or shine.....I'm gonna get it right this time).Am I happy?.....
Dag Gone Skippy.
Just A Thought
It's Tuesday early evening. I spent a good part of the morning chatting on line with my new friend, and on line family member Eunice Hicks. Somehow our conversation drifted into the affairs of the heart. I shared with her, open heartedly, about my failed marriages and relationships. It becomes a bit confusing sometimes when I hear from my friends just how wonderful a person I am...yet my relationships continue to fail. (At times I feel much like Peter at the Last Supper when he leaned over and softly asked Jesus....."Is it me Lord?")I'm a dreamer (and that's a very good thing) and sometimes I would much rather not separate the real from dreams, but surely, being that we don't believe in Fairy tales....certainly we would (or should) prefer the real thing. To hear Coke tell it, there's nothing like it....(the real thing) Hummmm someone else said that too.Ain't nothin' like the real thang....ba-by. Ain't nothing like the real...thang.
When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me. Excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul. Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good.I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do.So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....and it is.....what it is.
Peace and Love Rest Upon Us,
San
When it comes to me and relationships, well, the first thing to sit up and take notice is my heart. It actually begins to swell deep inside of my chest causing a gentle flow of rash and unrash emotions to flood throughout my being. Then my mind takes notice...it feels the feeling and it likes it. It likes it.Then, as minds tend to do, mine starts to wander taking me to a place that is where most hearts want to be. In that special place there is a man who stands tall and dark. When he reaches for me. Excitement begins to swell like the ebb tide. And the wanting desires roll like thunder and then....he touches me. And in touching me I begin to melt like coooool ice or smoooth butter right into the depths of my very own soul. Suddenly, almost too suddenly....it begins. I feel his heart, or is it my heart? I feel my heart, or is it his heart? I guess the important this is....I feel. And it feels good.I taste his lips and they are strong, yet sweet. Like chocolate, no not the simple chocolates that are placed under pillows in fine hotel rooms. But real dark chocolate. The kind you allow to linger on the tip of your tongue. You almost hold your breath it's sooo good and you want it to last. Yes, you need it to last. You make it last a long, long time.
Then I shudder. Looking around I soon, too soon, discover that I'm just in that place that...many hearts long to be....again. I rise, shaking it off. And hope rises with me. I look hope in her face. Then I smile because deep down inside I do realize, that for some, dreams do come true. They actually can and for some, they do.So I smile. I gather up my hopes deferred and I don't get upset or discouraged because I do realize that life is.....and it is.....what it is.
Peace and Love Rest Upon Us,
San
COULD YOU TRY?
I long to see you, to touch you and feel you close to me.
You’re so far away sometimes it seems this love shall never be.
When the sun climbs high in the morning, and in the evening
it swings low.
I’m still alone without you, it’s like your touch I’ll never know.
What ever it takes, please understand...if it’s truly in Gods’ plan
I...to be your woman.....You....to be my man
let us never say, "good-bye" Baby,
Could you try?
The monies may not be the way you desire them to be in place.
If you walk by sight and not by faith, I may never see your face.
My arms are empty and they should not be that way
Can you fill my arms and fill my heart, then baby can you stay?
Can you stay with me forever and can we maybe fall in love?
Can you be the one that I have long, so long been dreaming of?
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....Sweetheart,
could you try?
Time is passing swiftly and the seasons come and go.
My love is waiting for a man that it doesn’t even know.
Like the grapes on a vine my love grows riper with each year
and sweeter as the days go by just wishing he were here.
I reach out....touch nothing....feeling nothing......yet I see,
someday, somewhere, somehow.....somebody loving me.
My soul is aching for a mate to fill my empty nest.
When soul is joined to soul all essence will be blessed.
Then intimacy, then ecstacy, then ecstacy with intimacy
together sharing the load (somebody loves you baby)
coming gently and sweetly together, will inevitable explode.
I’ll then reach out....touching him, ....feeling him.......
my love will never let him go. (somebody loves you ba-by)
I’m wondering if he is you, or if I’ll ever know.
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....my Darling,
could you try?
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) Sept. 30, 2007 10:46 A.M.
This, as most of the poems is personal. This is one that hasn’t really been tested except for on the person it was sent to. The story behind this poem is I met a wonderful person online and right now to date, we have never met but we talk on the phone and we are having a beautiful mental romantic love affair.
You’re so far away sometimes it seems this love shall never be.
When the sun climbs high in the morning, and in the evening
it swings low.
I’m still alone without you, it’s like your touch I’ll never know.
What ever it takes, please understand...if it’s truly in Gods’ plan
I...to be your woman.....You....to be my man
let us never say, "good-bye" Baby,
Could you try?
The monies may not be the way you desire them to be in place.
If you walk by sight and not by faith, I may never see your face.
My arms are empty and they should not be that way
Can you fill my arms and fill my heart, then baby can you stay?
Can you stay with me forever and can we maybe fall in love?
Can you be the one that I have long, so long been dreaming of?
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....Sweetheart,
could you try?
Time is passing swiftly and the seasons come and go.
My love is waiting for a man that it doesn’t even know.
Like the grapes on a vine my love grows riper with each year
and sweeter as the days go by just wishing he were here.
I reach out....touch nothing....feeling nothing......yet I see,
someday, somewhere, somehow.....somebody loving me.
My soul is aching for a mate to fill my empty nest.
When soul is joined to soul all essence will be blessed.
Then intimacy, then ecstacy, then ecstacy with intimacy
together sharing the load (somebody loves you baby)
coming gently and sweetly together, will inevitable explode.
I’ll then reach out....touching him, ....feeling him.......
my love will never let him go. (somebody loves you ba-by)
I’m wondering if he is you, or if I’ll ever know.
If it be by boat or car or bus or flying through the sky.....
Could you find you way right to me.....my Darling,
could you try?
Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) Sept. 30, 2007 10:46 A.M.
This, as most of the poems is personal. This is one that hasn’t really been tested except for on the person it was sent to. The story behind this poem is I met a wonderful person online and right now to date, we have never met but we talk on the phone and we are having a beautiful mental romantic love affair.
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