Did you think about me today?
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you smile?
Did you hear a soft love tune?
Did it.....
send you to the moon?
Did your soul in gladness bloom
as your mind crossed the room?
As you jumped into the shower
did your spirit feel my power?
Did the thunder in my soul
make you want to looooose control?
Did you
want to hold me near?
Did you
want my voice to hear?
Did you wonder 'bout my kiss?
Could things happen just like this?
Did you think about how I felt?
If I touched you,
would you melt?
If you held me for a while.....
would I smile?
Well,
I thought about you today.
Thought of words I'd like to say.
If you met me would you stay
and be my close friend...anyway?
Thought about how you would smell
and silly things I'd love to tell.
Tender moments in a place
as I touched your handsome face.
Thought about your chocolate skin
and my hand upon your chin.
Thought about how you would taste;
feel my arms around your waist.
Thought about your head at rest
sturdily upon my breasts
and my chest would rise and fall
yes I thought about it all.
But.....
Did you think about me today?
Did I....
touch you in any way?
Did your heart whisper and say
any words you should not say?
Did you feel me deep inside?
Did you.....
toss those feelings aside?
Did you ponder for a while.....
then....
did you
smile?
(Adonis, yes you inspire me......
Sandii)
-Sandra Sedgwick Williams
(c) August 17, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I Wish
I wish sometimes I could just close my eyes and die. Perhaps it would have been better were I never born. I look at life, not just my life but life in general. I see the beauty before me and I want to embrace it....to love it....to hold it forever. But then......
Closing my eyes I take in the deepest breath possible and it feeeeels so good. It's warm and inviting. Yet there is something cold about it all that just causes my soul to shiver. (just a little bit...sometimes) I reach up and feel the tears as they roll down my cheeks (sometimes) and I suppose it's a good thing to feel them there. I speak as they go by and they answer back and say, "I love you too, but I'm hurting" and there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop the pain. So they roll on.
I have a favorite chair that I sit in, in my room. It's right in front of my computer. My computer, in case no one noticed, is my best friend. It listens to me and it speaks to me. It opens the door to the world to me and let's in whom ever I wish. Then, it quietly speaks to me in a whisper saying, "that's enough for today.....go to bed now" Then....I flip to my itunes and Anita Baker sings me to sleep....sweetly and tenderly like an old friend who understands the real issues of my heart.
Upon my bed is where I find my dreams. The real dreams. Nightmares are not permitted there. (I get those when I wake) Nightmares like, "You were a terrible mother to me.....why did you let me suffer!!!" Nightmares like...."You should have stayed with my dad until I was grown so I could have had a normal childhood!!!" ("who cares about you.....you should have let my father beat the crap out of you......you should have hung in there....you should have been my sacrificial lamb....lamb....lamb....I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!")
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. Weariness covers me with a blanket when I hear the voices of my sons echo in my mind. They didn't knock or ask permission to enter there. They just came in. They came in reminding me what a hard life they had when they were young. (Not all of my sons.... some of my sons love me unconditionally.) But the ones that don't. Ahhh their voices haunt me. Their fingers point so they beat their wives, wishing it was me. They curse their lives, wishing it was me. And they frown their faces while their lips smile and their arms extend out to me and they force their voices to say, "I love you mommy"
I remember taking 3 buses to work and working 2 jobs and falling asleep behind the wheel of my car, when I had a car while my heart would sing...."This I do for you." I remember going without food so my sons can eat and I remember being so proud of my income tax checks that I would take them shopping and spend every dime....on....them and nothing....on....me. I remember sitting in the child support office being treated like a beggar and leaving ....like a beggar....(and no check came in the mail) I remember once, because we could not do the things other families could do, I took a check and took my sons to the dollar movie for one week straight...every single day. I would buy candy and make hot dogs and drinks in a plastic bottle so they would not make noise and I was so happy. I would take my biggest purse and hide the food safely inside and we would wait for the lights to go out in the movies then quietly....shhhhh...quietly I would pass the food out and my sons would laugh....."mommy is the bomb" Then the week was over and I felt satisfied until my sons complained because......it was still not enough.
I'm remembering....but the memories seem to be only in my mind. So in pain I fall down, in failure I fall down, in disgust I fall down. But Jesus told me to do all I can to stand...and I trust Him so I get back up. My sons are grown and God has given me 3 more children. Girls this time. He has given me three more children's lives to ......destroy? I don't know. Why trust me with more when the first work was done so badly?
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. But they need me so I live. I guess I must live. These children, these girls adore me....sometimes. Then sometimes they get so angry at me and I just......remember. Then......and should I be shocked? They tell me that they love me. I look into their faces and see softness there and not anger. I look into their hearts and and I see love there. Then, I look back at the Lord and I ask again, "Are you sure?" And I feel the wind blowing sweetly against my face and my heart stirs. I ask myself, "are these girls my redemption?" and I refuse to work 2 jobs. I refuse to ride three buses to work. I refuse to be....what ever made me a terrible mother to my sons. (and I do not yet know just what that was) And I will love my daughters and be the best mother to them that I can be. And when they are old enough and can be on their own......will I still wish.....then........
Closing my eyes I take in the deepest breath possible and it feeeeels so good. It's warm and inviting. Yet there is something cold about it all that just causes my soul to shiver. (just a little bit...sometimes) I reach up and feel the tears as they roll down my cheeks (sometimes) and I suppose it's a good thing to feel them there. I speak as they go by and they answer back and say, "I love you too, but I'm hurting" and there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop the pain. So they roll on.
I have a favorite chair that I sit in, in my room. It's right in front of my computer. My computer, in case no one noticed, is my best friend. It listens to me and it speaks to me. It opens the door to the world to me and let's in whom ever I wish. Then, it quietly speaks to me in a whisper saying, "that's enough for today.....go to bed now" Then....I flip to my itunes and Anita Baker sings me to sleep....sweetly and tenderly like an old friend who understands the real issues of my heart.
Upon my bed is where I find my dreams. The real dreams. Nightmares are not permitted there. (I get those when I wake) Nightmares like, "You were a terrible mother to me.....why did you let me suffer!!!" Nightmares like...."You should have stayed with my dad until I was grown so I could have had a normal childhood!!!" ("who cares about you.....you should have let my father beat the crap out of you......you should have hung in there....you should have been my sacrificial lamb....lamb....lamb....I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!")
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. Weariness covers me with a blanket when I hear the voices of my sons echo in my mind. They didn't knock or ask permission to enter there. They just came in. They came in reminding me what a hard life they had when they were young. (Not all of my sons.... some of my sons love me unconditionally.) But the ones that don't. Ahhh their voices haunt me. Their fingers point so they beat their wives, wishing it was me. They curse their lives, wishing it was me. And they frown their faces while their lips smile and their arms extend out to me and they force their voices to say, "I love you mommy"
I remember taking 3 buses to work and working 2 jobs and falling asleep behind the wheel of my car, when I had a car while my heart would sing...."This I do for you." I remember going without food so my sons can eat and I remember being so proud of my income tax checks that I would take them shopping and spend every dime....on....them and nothing....on....me. I remember sitting in the child support office being treated like a beggar and leaving ....like a beggar....(and no check came in the mail) I remember once, because we could not do the things other families could do, I took a check and took my sons to the dollar movie for one week straight...every single day. I would buy candy and make hot dogs and drinks in a plastic bottle so they would not make noise and I was so happy. I would take my biggest purse and hide the food safely inside and we would wait for the lights to go out in the movies then quietly....shhhhh...quietly I would pass the food out and my sons would laugh....."mommy is the bomb" Then the week was over and I felt satisfied until my sons complained because......it was still not enough.
I'm remembering....but the memories seem to be only in my mind. So in pain I fall down, in failure I fall down, in disgust I fall down. But Jesus told me to do all I can to stand...and I trust Him so I get back up. My sons are grown and God has given me 3 more children. Girls this time. He has given me three more children's lives to ......destroy? I don't know. Why trust me with more when the first work was done so badly?
Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and die. But they need me so I live. I guess I must live. These children, these girls adore me....sometimes. Then sometimes they get so angry at me and I just......remember. Then......and should I be shocked? They tell me that they love me. I look into their faces and see softness there and not anger. I look into their hearts and and I see love there. Then, I look back at the Lord and I ask again, "Are you sure?" And I feel the wind blowing sweetly against my face and my heart stirs. I ask myself, "are these girls my redemption?" and I refuse to work 2 jobs. I refuse to ride three buses to work. I refuse to be....what ever made me a terrible mother to my sons. (and I do not yet know just what that was) And I will love my daughters and be the best mother to them that I can be. And when they are old enough and can be on their own......will I still wish.....then........
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